Oh, what a glorious future we would have if Elon Musk, the self-proclaimed genius and savior of humanity, took control of government agencies! Imagine the efficiency! The innovation! The sheer brilliance of running vital public institutions like a Twitter poll gone wrong. Who needs bureaucratic red tape when we could have policy decisions made in real-time, based on Musk’s latest mood swings or whatever sci-fi novel he’s currently obsessed with? It’s not like government agencies handle trivial things like national security, infrastructure, or public welfare; surely, theyd be better off in the hands of a man who once named his child X Æ A-12 or some shit.
Let’s start with NASA. Why have a publicly funded space agency focused on scientific discovery and space exploration when we could just hand it over to Musk and let him turn Mars into his personal playground? Forget about boring old research on climate change and planetary defense, every dollar would be funneled into building a utopian Martian colony for the ultra-rich, leaving the rest of us to enjoy the slowly crumbling remains of Earth. And if anything goes wrong, don’t worry! Musk will simply tweet through it, assuring us that the latest catastrophic failure was just part of the plan.
And then there’s the Department of Transportation. Who needs reliable public transit when you can have a tunnel system for Teslas that works just as well as Musk’s promises? No more funding for high-speed rail or buses, just a single-lane, traffic-jammed underground death trap in every major city. Oh, and forget about pedestrian infrastructure or bike lanes; they simply don’t fit Musk’s grand vision of everyone owning a Tesla, assuming, of course, they can afford the premium subscription for working brakes.
Now, picture the Department of Defense under Musk’s control. Why waste time on traditional military strategy when we could replace all our fighter jets with cybertrucks? War would be revolutionized with the latest in barely functional, shattered-window technology! And if our enemies hack into our systems, well, too fuggin bad… Musk probably outsourced the cybersecurity to some interns on X (formerly Twitter) in between posting memes about Dogecoin. National security has never been so entertaining!
The Department of Health and Human Services would also flourish under Musk’s leadership. Who needs traditional medicine when you can just inject yourself with untested biotech innovations straight from Neuralink? Hospitals? Outdated. Instead, every American could get a brain chip that lets them browse X while they bleed out waiting for a Tesla ambulance to arrive. And let’s not forget Musk’s amazing work-life balance advice; surely, he’ll revolutionize healthcare by making doctors sleep in the hospital to increase productivity!
And finally, let’s imagine the Federal Communications Commission under Musk’s iron grip. Say goodbye to net neutrality and hello to a world where Starlink controls all internet access, prioritizing Musk-approved content and throttling anything critical of his ever-expanding empire. Want to complain? Too bad, your account just got mysteriously banned. But don’t worry, he will give you the privilege to pay $8 a month to have your voice heard again! What a time to be alive.
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